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A Letter To The Bruce Wayne Estate From His Progressive Agent

Dear Representatives of the Batman Estate,

First off, we at Progressive Insurance want to express our sincere condolences on the demise of Batman as a result of his heroism during a recent terrorist attack by a scurrilousBat Copter villain known only as ‘Bane’. Batman’s loss will be felt by all residents of Gotham City (and perhaps the entire world!) whom he so valiantly fought to protect.

As a claims representative of Progressive Insurance, I’ve been assigned the job of reviewing your claim for repairs and replacement of two vehicles in the Bat Fleet in the amount of $54,485,500. As you might imagine, the figure claimed for these vehicles is far above the normal amount claimed by our customers.

We also want to point out that the history of claims filed for the Bat Fleet of vehicles points to a tendency toward recklessness, even in light of the dangerous nature of Batman’s profession. Claims in the past five years alone have totaled an astounding $214,753,437.22, a figure that would disqualify you for coverage by all but the most dedicated of insurers, of which Progressive is most certainly the leader. We feel we have striven above and beyond the call of duty to provide coverage to Batman in an effort to support his crime-fighting mission, however we must thoroughly reassess the risk/reward ratio of continuing to do so in light of this most recent claim.

Your claim report states that the vehicle known as ‘The Bat’ was destroyed by an atomic bomb during a recent terrorist attempt in which Bane stole the nuclear core of a fusion reactor and held the entire city of Gotham hostage by threatening detonation. Batman valiantly employed the Bat to fly the bomb out over the ocean where it was detonated, thus destroying the Bat and sacrificing his own life while sparing the lives of millions of residents of Gotham City and the surrounding area. While we recognize that the destruction of the vehicle was the result of great heroism, the high cost of its replacement necessitates a thorough review of your claim.

Additionally, you’ve filed a claim for repairs to the Bat Cycle for $2,480,500. Your claim states that the vehicle was driven by a Ms. Cat Woman and was involved in a high speed chase with military vehicles, receiving damage from a variety of assault weapons. As Cat Woman is not listed as a driver on your policy, we will not be able to pay your claim for repairs. However, had she been listed as a driver on your policy, the fact that she operated the vehicle recklessly at speeds far in excess of the speed limit in a busy metro area would have negated this claim. If Ms. Cat Woman is going to be operating any of your Fleet of Bat vehicles in the future, we will need to do a thorough investigation of her driving record to see if she has a history of moving violations or DUI. I should add that insuring her is likely to be extremely costly, given the current claim.

As for your claim for replacement of the Bat in the amount of $52,005,000, you’ve stated that its specialized design and capabilities include:

  • Titanium construction that renders it bullet- and bomb-proof.
  • A jet engine with high-speed flight capacity.
  • An onboard computer with a direct feed to the mainframe computer located in the Bat Cave.
  • Onboard projectiles and missiles, and the ability to self-destruct by remote control in the event the vehicle falls into the hands of criminals such as Bane, the Joker, the Penguin, Mr. Freeze or the Riddler.

Recognizing the highly specialized nature of the Bat, the significant cost of repairs and replacement, and the dangerous, crime-fighting missions for which it’s employed, if we are to continue to insure the vehicle, we need to make an adjustment to the premium. The new monthly cost to insure will be $258,860.50. We must also include the stipulation that drivers of the Bat avoid all contact with atomic bombs in the future, as the vehicle, despite its considerable bomb-deterrent capabilities, isn’t able to withstand such attacks without considerable damage or outright destruction.

Additionally, we will need to visit the Bat Cave garage where the Bat Fleet of vehicles is stored. We understand the secret nature of this location, nevertheless, we must complete an inspection to ensure that the facility is adequate to provide proper storage of these highly valuable, specialized vehicles. Please forward the address at your earliest convenience.

According to your report, a person known only as ‘Robin’ is now replacing Batman as the person responsible for fighting crime and ensuring the overall security of the entire Gotham City metropolitan area, if not the world. We wish him success in carrying out his mission and hope that his driving style is less destructive than his predecessor. If he completes a safe driving course, we might be able to offer a small discount on your premium.

Sincerely,

 

Adam West, Progressive Claims Representative

 
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