Dear Representatives of the Batman
First off, we at Progressive
Insurance want to express our sincere condolences on the demise of Batman as a
result of his heroism during a recent terrorist attack by a scurrilous villain
known only as ‘Bane’. Batman’s loss will
be felt by all residents of Gotham City (and perhaps the entire world!) whom he
so valiantly fought to protect.
As a claims representative of
Progressive Insurance, I’ve been assigned the job of reviewing your claim for repairs
and replacement of two vehicles in the Bat Fleet in the amount of $54,485,500. As
you might imagine, the figure claimed for these vehicles is far above the
normal amount claimed by our customers.
We also want to point out that
the history of claims filed for the Bat Fleet of vehicles points to a tendency
toward recklessness, even in light of the dangerous nature of Batman’s
profession. Claims in the past five
years alone have totaled an astounding $214,753,437.22, a figure that would
disqualify you for coverage by all but the most dedicated of insurers, of which
Progressive is most certainly the leader.
We feel we have striven above and beyond the call of duty to provide
coverage to Batman in an effort to support his crime-fighting mission, however
we must thoroughly reassess the risk/reward ratio of continuing to do so in
light of this most recent claim.
Your claim report states that the
vehicle known as ‘The Bat’ was destroyed by an atomic bomb during a recent
terrorist attempt in which Bane stole the nuclear core of a fusion reactor and
held the entire city of Gotham hostage by threatening detonation. Batman valiantly
employed the Bat to fly the bomb out over the ocean where it was detonated, thus
destroying the Bat and sacrificing his own life while sparing the lives of
millions of residents of Gotham City and the surrounding area. While we recognize that the destruction of
the vehicle was the result of great heroism, the high cost of its replacement necessitates
a thorough review of your claim.
Additionally, you’ve filed a
claim for repairs to the Bat Cycle for $2,480,500. Your claim states that the vehicle was driven
by a Ms. Cat Woman and was involved in a high speed chase with military vehicles,
receiving damage from a variety of assault weapons. As Cat Woman is not listed as a driver on
your policy, we will not be able to pay your claim for repairs. However, had
she been listed as a driver on your policy, the fact that she operated the
vehicle recklessly at speeds far in excess of the speed limit in a busy metro
area would have negated this claim. If
Ms. Cat Woman is going to be operating any of your Fleet of Bat vehicles in the
future, we will need to do a thorough investigation of her driving record to
see if she has a history of moving violations or DUI. I should add that insuring her is likely to
be extremely costly, given the current claim.
As for your claim for replacement
of the Bat in the amount of $52,005,000, you’ve stated that its specialized design
and capabilities include:
- Titanium construction that renders it bullet-
- A jet engine with high-speed flight capacity.
- An onboard computer with a direct feed to the
mainframe computer located in the Bat Cave.
- Onboard projectiles and missiles, and the
ability to self-destruct by remote control in the event the vehicle falls into
the hands of criminals such as Bane, the Joker, the Penguin, Mr. Freeze or the
Recognizing the highly
specialized nature of the Bat, the significant cost of repairs and replacement,
and the dangerous, crime-fighting missions for which it’s employed, if we are
to continue to insure the vehicle, we need to make an adjustment to the premium. The new monthly cost to insure will be $258,860.50. We must also include the stipulation that drivers
of the Bat avoid all contact with atomic bombs in the future, as the vehicle,
despite its considerable bomb-deterrent capabilities, isn’t able to withstand such
attacks without considerable damage or outright destruction.
Additionally, we will need to
visit the Bat Cave garage where the Bat Fleet of vehicles is stored. We understand the secret nature of this
location, nevertheless, we must complete an inspection to ensure that the
facility is adequate to provide proper storage of these highly valuable,
specialized vehicles. Please forward the
address at your earliest convenience.
According to your report, a
person known only as ‘Robin’ is now replacing Batman as the person responsible
for fighting crime and ensuring the overall security of the entire Gotham City
metropolitan area, if not the world. We
wish him success in carrying out his mission and hope that his driving style is
less destructive than his predecessor. If he completes a safe driving course,
we might be able to offer a small discount on your premium.
Adam West, Progressive Claims